The Weight You Can Put Down
One thing at a time, in an ordinary evening
Free to read, in full, here. Twenty-two short chapters. Nothing in it takes longer than tonight, there is no practice in it, nothing to do daily and nothing to be behind on — and you can open it anywhere.
It is a quarter past nine in the evening. Nothing happened today — and that is not the reason it is heavy.
For somebody old, often alone, often inside a family, who has been carrying the same few things for forty years: the life that did not happen, the people they blame, and the blame they have kept for themselves.
It will not tell you that you did your best. It will not tell you it was not your fault. It will not ask you to forgive anybody. What it does is take one thing at a time, and set out the difference between putting it right — which needed somebody else — and putting it down, which never did.
The printed book sets it in large type. Here the size is yours: whatever your browser or your phone is already set to is what this will be.
Three pages of the printed book are not in this edition. The page of helplines, the page for whoever is reading the book aloud, and one paragraph near the front. All three turn on telephone numbers and opening hours that have not yet been confirmed one by one, and a number that has gone dead is not something a correction the next day puts right. They are in the paperback, the hardcover and the Kindle edition. If tonight is bad and you are in the UK or Ireland, the Samaritans are at samaritans.org, and they are there to listen at any hour.
- A quarter past nineIt is a quarter past nine in the evening. The television is on and you could not say what is happening in it.
- What you are worth was never earnedThere is a bed in the downstairs room now, and it is not a temporary arrangement. Start with what is true. A great deal has been taken from you.
- This is not the book you should have read at thirtySomebody's car door goes, two gardens down. And the thought arrives on its own, the way it does. If somebody had put this in front of me then.
- The life that did not happenThe light has moved across the room while you were somewhere else. You were in the other one again.
- The ones you blameYou are doing the cards early this year, because of the post. There is a list that goes with them, and it is not the card list.
- The one you blame mostThe photograph is still up in the hall. You go past it four or five times a day without seeing it, and then some days you see it.
- Alone in a room, alone in a familyThey have gone, and the cups are still on the table. The car went off the end of the road about ten minutes ago. It was a good visit.
- What you are not sure ofYou have been in the chair since lunch, and for a good part of it you have been trying to settle something that will not settle.
- The ones that are not for the floorThe number is in the back of the address book. You have not needed to look it up for a long time.
- What is closedYou hear about the deaths later now, and mostly by reading them. Nothing is asked of you here. There is no sorting to be done tonight, no list to make, and…
- The ones that cannot be settledEveryone who was going to ring today has rung. Some of it you did. It was yours. And there is nobody left to say it to.
- The remembering, and the sentence after itYou are in the chair. The lamp is on, the house has gone quiet, and it has come round again. You have thought about this most nights.
- When there is nothing left to doYou are in the garden with the secateurs, not really pruning anything. It is the time of year when there is not much to cut, and you are out there anyway.
- What this is, and what it is notYou are in the car with the engine off. You got here early, and you have not gone in yet. It is one of the few places where nobody wants anything, so it is…
- What happened, and what is still happeningYour hands are in the water and the window has gone dark over the sink. You have been going over it again.
- The case you have been keeping openIt is the middle of the morning. The kettle has boiled and you have not poured it yet. This chapter is about something that happens at four.
- What does not depend on youThe phone is back in its place and you are still standing in the kitchen. Somebody rang about the twenty-eighth, about who is coming and what time, and near…
- The apology that did not comeYou have stopped on the bench halfway up, because the hill is more than it used to be. He said the thing you have never once repeated to anybody.
- Getting upYou are awake and it is dark and the thing has started. You did not send for it. Nobody decides, at ten past four, to begin.
- The one who has been lookingYou are at the mirror, and it still does not look like you. Nearly everybody your age says some version of that, and hardly anybody says it out loud, because…
- A day that ends wellYou have put the chain on the door. The kitchen light is off, the hall light is off, and there is one lamp still on in the room you are sitting in.
- Until the morningThe window has changed colour and you did not see it happen. It is not light yet. It is the other thing that comes first, where the curtain is a different…
At the back
Questions
- Who is The Weight You Can Put Down for?
Somebody old, often alone, often inside a family, who has been carrying the same few things for forty years: the life that did not happen, the people they blame, and the blame they have kept for themselves. It is a quarter past nine in the evening, nothing happened today — and that is not the reason it is heavy.
- Will it ask me to forgive anybody?
No. The book is explicit about this on its second page: it will not tell you that you did your best, it will not tell you it was not your fault, and it will not ask you to forgive anybody. What it does instead is take one thing at a time.
- What is the difference between putting it right and putting it down?
Putting it right needed somebody else — their agreement, their apology, their still being alive. Putting it down never did. Setting out that difference, one thing at a time, is what the twenty-two chapters do, and it is why something is available tonight even where nothing can be repaired.
- Is there a practice or a daily routine in it?
No. There is no practice in it, nothing to do daily and nothing to be behind on, nothing takes longer than tonight, and you can open it anywhere. The printed book is set in large type; here the size is whatever your browser or phone is already set to.
- Why are three pages of the printed book missing from the free edition?
Three pages are held back: the page of helplines, the page for whoever is reading the book aloud, and one paragraph near the front. All three turn on telephone numbers and opening hours that have not yet been confirmed one by one, and a number that has gone dead is not something a correction the next day puts right. They are in the paperback, hardcover and Kindle editions. If tonight is bad and you are in the UK or Ireland, the Samaritans are at samaritans.org, and they are there to listen at any hour.